breaking rules

Today, during a long walk, I found myself questioning the rules I have created in my own little world. We all have rules. (I know you do). Those things in the back of your mind that you said you would never do or thought were just not for you.

I am ready to break a few. I don't think I need to tell you which ones. I just felt like I wanted to remind us all that we don't have to be so hard on ourselves. Maybe I am just trying to remind me.

Either way. I might just break a rule or two. And, personally, I think it just might make me a better person.

Breaking free from your standards may make you realize your standards need a little tweaking.

Mine sure do.

channel change

i am overtired and wide awake (with two days of barely any sleep)...and just realized, maybe i was tuned into the wrong channel because i think i just felt a shift. or something like that. and all i can say is something just opened up inside and i am waiting for the next move. i sometimes wonder if anyone else feels that really deep deep pull that always tells you there has to be more?

because i do.

being afraid of what may surface

i heart these girls.
laughs
drinks
secrets
truth
sing-songing
winking
flirting
sweaty mess!
booty shakin'
butt grabin'
good time.

no one knows you like the ones who knew you.

love + want

go here for this cute owl planter.

laughing till you cry

last night, i was happy to share great conversation + wine with some friends right after work... some new + old friends + a great little 4 yr old tyke who became my new best friend. bella. little isabella grabbed my hand outside the restaurant and we were new best buds. she told me i wore too many bracelets as her mom says don't ever wear too much jewelry. i told her, nonsense, bella bug, never too much jewelry! we giggled. and she agreed! she hugged my knees super tight when we said goodbye. and i skipped away.

i got home + drank more wine with neighbors (who I ran into while walking javier). i am really enjoying having these random surprise experiences. i had so many laughs until the tears were falling down my cheeks until 2 am. we talked about hysterical things including the below.


last night was supposed to be my quiet night as i had to get up early today for J's bridal shower. i had a blissful time seeing many faces of girls i truly adore. one came from california for the weekend. we ate + drank some more and in about three hours we have her bachlorette party plans...


i feel truly grateful for the things in my life that keep crossing paths with the place in my life at the right moment of intersection.

life is small.
much smaller than we realize.

feedback

image

My Reiki client tonight said, and I quote, " I was left with a tingly feeling that is more active than the pins and needle feeling of a limb falling asleep. Keep on, keepin' on. You have a very unassuming aura which is good for bridging the gap for first-timers. Spot on! Gentle, graceful. Nearly seamless."

kat. feels good.

dreamy beds

and, today i found that my bed photo is part of a "dreamy bed" collection on flickr. i have added a really cute bunchy ikea blanket for some texture and of course, lots more plants and trinkets. personally, i think the other rooms are much cuter.

but i would.

oh, ideas! ideas! i love this collection.

kat. !!

boomerang

I may have made her day, but quite clearly she made mine. When you send a Thank You and then get a Thank You for the Thank You you sent,

you know you're in a good place.

satsang

shared by a good friend...

Company of the Wise

“Be in the company of proper people. That is what you call satsang: company of the wise. You may not always be able to have that company, but whenever you have it, reap the benefit of it. Other times, keep the teachings; remember them every day. Spend as much time as possible in remembering the teachings. Books are your company, people are your company, memories of your great moments are your company. Being in the company of people who are seekers on the same path can help to remind you. The Buddha taught that you shouldn’t try to walk as one person. Because you may continually slip, it’s better to walk with others, so that each one of you can help the other."

some of what I remember from 24 + 25

1. I loved stilletos and would prance in 3.5 - 4 inch heels for hours. HOURS!
2. I spent almost every weekend in Hoboken or NYC clubs in those heels 'till 4 am.
3. I might have kissed some boys or so...
4. I slept on many friend's floors (or said I was sleeping on friend's floors).
5. I often shared a bed with my friend Joanna. Waking up and laughing about the night before.
6. I made a stupid decision that I do think about.
7. I once knew New York + her trendy spots + secret clubs, very well.
8. I don't know New York too much anymore.
9. I think we hung out one night with a Canadian Hockey Team.
10. I traveled a lot on that South Orange train.
11. I would spend summer weekends at the NJ shore or at the Hamptons.
12. I lived at home with no bills to pay + delicious cooked meals on the table by 6pm.
13. I bought very expensive jeans at Bloomingdales (and, I still wear them).
14. I loved my blond not-the-super-short-hair with daisies pinned about.
15. I, obviously, adored Drew Barrymore.
16. I fell for a man nine years older + we taught each other a lot.
17. I camped in my parents' backyard with him.
18. I and He are still friends.
19. I found spirituality.
20. I went to the gym every single day and worked out in teeny tiny outfits! Yes, I did.
21. I was addicted to Spin Class. I never missed Paul's class.
22. I also found Yoga.
23. I would eventually date one of those instructor's at that gym. And, he was extremely tall. The heels came in handy!
24. I would drive to my grad classes with the top down singing Ani Difranco very loud.
25. I decided not to finish my thesis. And, take some time for me. For me.
26. I found that master's program. And, totally *free* with a grad assistantship.
27. It was a random phone call. And, the Director at Seton Hall picked up.
28. I don't regret that time. Or that decision.
29. I thought I was oh so wise.
30. I felt so loved.
31. I picked up the guitar on a whim and learned something brand new about myself.
32. I know Lizzie West happened to me.
33. I also dated my guitar instructor somewhere in there. That was fun + insightful.
34. I bought two guitars well, three, including the first used cheapy one.
35. I was confident and strong (or now, I think that...)
36. I began writing creatively so much so.
37. I knew I needed something more beyond what I knew then.
38. I feared 25 and had that quarter life crisis.
39. I loved pop punk + emo shows.
40. I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did!
41. I fought with my mom a lot on everything.
42. I ran a (bedside) pediatric art program at three area hospitals in the cancer wards.
43. I met many amazing kids. And, their families.
44. I witnessed how short life could be...
45. I sometimes cried driving out of the hospital parking lots.
    
46. I spent one of those summers traveling to Red Bank interning at a children's museum.
47. I learned a ton about start up arts organizations.
48. I know for sure I did not think this is where I would be as I approach 33.
49. And, to be honest, I would not have it any other way.
    

Right here is my Right now,
kat.

generating ideas

my bed

I went searching online tonight for images of "my bed," the Ikea Hemnes 4 Poster Canopy Bed, simply for ideas. I am looking for change. Things have shifted a bit since I took those pictures (above) about one year ago, but I am ready for some more updates. However, I am still loving the all white bedding look. I have a white dog and it's nice to have her hair blend in! My little collection below is what the good ol' web handed to me.

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innerside

it has been a weird refreshing week of change

of strange conversations

and smelling a way old exboyfriend's cologne on the train from my days of 22 + breathing it in real deep and smiling and remembering

his hug

and laughter

that truth

and her good old consequence

of flirtatious looks and my falling shy eyes

brighter red lips that whisper come hither sighs

of warm sweet cheer

and happy satisfaction

that only one knows

when they give and give

to let go and

bring home

understanding beyond

giving
again

to wanting so much much



more

so much more
than a forward reversed
understanding

knowing more

my hands feel good

nurturing
nurturing
for me
and

embracing
the
entire
received energy

whose roots

act like my

anchor

simply floating me away

my little lucky charmer

She saw me walking up towards her stoop. "kat.! kat.! hi! you know what, it's not that cold today and we don't really need to wear these jackets. dad, help me, i want to take off my jacket."

"Maya, I like your green shirt. Do you know why are you wearing a green shirt today?" I asked her.

"umm, umm, dad, hey dad" all shy + coy + twisting her body about a little unsure, "why, am i wearing a green shirt again?"

He whispered in her ear and I pretended I couldn't hear him.

"oh, yea, it's st. patrick's day, kat." She laughed.

"hey, kat. guess what, i got lipstick just like yours. i like your red lipstick. but i think yours' is darker. do your lips taste like strawberries?"

"No, I wish they did!" I laughed.

"well, mine does, right dad?"

Dad says "Yep."

"you know? you put it in your mouth for real?"

"Uh huh, I did. You asked me to try it."

"ohhh. well, mine is also so super shiny. really really shiny. guess what? i can be a penguin. watch me." Maya waddles down the stoop all silly doing her best penguin impression moving her arms and legs like stiff pegs. And, I don't know what.

She made me smile big and I tell her I should go because it's yoga night.

"kat., wait, wait! waaaiiiittt!"

She comes running over to me and we do a big high five and she giggles as she jumps to reach my hand.

I walk away remembering life really is that easy.

I high five you like she high fived me.

Ides of March

Gosh, it has been a week away from you dear blog of mine... I got caught up this week in Life.

It is the "Ides of March," a day that means many different things to me. A year ago today I was running away from this Home to another home with a world falling apart inside of me + all I could do was barely breath. Tonight, I realized it was the exact other way around. I was driving from that safe home, but looking forward to landing in my Home with a deep even breathe, a bigger smile and a quiet warm soul of peace.

Life has come full (complete) circle.

I look around this space glancing at my cute puppy curled underneath a pillow quietly sleeping; and at the way this place has helped my heart sing a brand new song. There were times of complete stress where I thought I might lose my home because the bills took over and I had taken sole responsibility of all of the finances. But, I thank the world for this Life opportunity it gave me. I grew up some more. I learned a lot about people. My idea of what was and is important began to shift. I took so much quiet time and sometimes it was merely because I couldn't afford my old lifestyle. Then, I realized along the way that it wasn't my lifestyle I was losing... It was my lifestyle I was gaining.

I have been laughing much louder and smiling at more strangers. I have been speaking up and walking away.

We all know that we can only change what we have, alone. Each day you can make that little shift inside to carry yourself differently and treat the people in your world the way you would want to be treated. You can choose to turn around and hold that door for just a little longer. You can smile big and say hello to that person you see everyday during your commute. You can wave to the doorman at the building you pass on your way to work as you march to your own drum. You can send cards to your hairdresser for the great job she did on your Head + Soul. You can send a thank you to your neighbors just because they are so thoughtful and sweet. You can email a friend to see how she is holding up. And, you can share a hug just because you know she may need it.

That is all we can do. But, damn it, it is something Big. And, those are the things that last the longest...

Tag, your It.

so happy. so inspired. so loved.

The weekend is over, but not for me. I am lucky to have tomorrow off. Yes, University employment means spring break. Two days off this week.

I just had a blissful weekend. I almost did all of the below in my listed post except for a few items. I slept in today. Well, not really, I like to think that I do. But, I was so simply exhausted, I skipped yoga. Oh well, it saddened me, but I needed down time so bad. So bad. I vowed to myself to make H's class on Tuesday. I have not seen her for way too long. And, I miss her vibe a lot.

Friday I thanked my amazing sweet neighbors who had a 10 person potluck party until 2:30 am with games, too much wine, a ton of laughs, kat. knocking over neighbors and hitting up the desert tray two times. Mmm. Thank you all for the smiles + relaxation. I was at home...
I woke up + crawled to my hairdresser who fed me water(s). Lots of water. (She is also my neighbors' hairdresser). And, she made me feel so pretty! And, I enjoyed my Cat Therapy and E time. My new hairdresser is another person I am so grateful for who appeared in my life via a craft show + a new color. My age. Wisdom. Happiness. Sweet words, hugs and harmony. I am lucky. I plan on dropping a surprise thank you card under her door tomorrow. We should all recognize the good ones. They are such special souls.

I did make it to the flower show with surprise free tickets found in the mail! M + I had a blast. It was so crowded, beautiful and smelled delicious! We overspent with over inspiration. Spring is in my bones. We walked around china town and eventually had dinner in our hood.
Today, as mentioned, I skipped Dyanna Yoga to drink coffee, walk Javier + just breathe. I took the top off of Cassie and headed to Terrain with M. Oh, amazing! Again, we overspent with inspiration and joy. Life in green is oh so grounding.
And, then I rushed home to make it to a WAH concert at The First Unitarian Church with my pal D. I am so happy she told me all about this. It was dancing and singing all over the place Yoga style. I let loose and sang my heart out Kirtan style (call and response chants). Opening up that third chakra of mine and singing with love running all over that space. It was purely transformational and contagious. The music was gorgeous + warm. The dancing was real. Namaste.

Happy tonight. So loved. So inspired. SO many good friends around me.

And, then I was inspired by a few of my purchases to make a new window altar. Or an altar, until I can place my new greens outdoors...

I am grateful for this time to enjoy the people who share the same world.

(all pictures on my flickr but M. gets the rights to these!)

xoxoxo,
kat.

Friday

i am excited about the three carefree days ahead of me.

i anticipate gorgeous locks after my eary AM appointment at Fringe Salon tomorrow.

i am looking foward to a Saturday afternoon at the Flower Show with hopeful pretty springish plantlike purchases.

i am determined to make Sunday morning hardcore yoga at Dhyanna's studio with Dhyanna herself.

i am grateful for potential sunshine this weekend + Sunday's outdoor plans to take out the convertible and head aimlessly.

i am trying to be patient and much softer on me + this soul o' mine.

i will journal more this weekend.

i hope to check out a concert performance i was just alerted to right now!

i must let javier frolic + jump free...

March 5

Her house may be Quieter

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Her house will be a little quieter now. Now, that Betty won't be tapping her nails on the wooden floors, wagging her tail, barking and pacing and moving around. It truly is heartbreaking.

Part of the human experience we animal lovers must trudge through is saying goodbye to our bestest furry friend that has truly taught us many life lessons and has been a dear companion. Animals are often the ones we humans break down to and laugh with and look at for so many answers. I really believe animals make us better people. I am not sure the non-dog people may ever truly get how complicated a dog relationship can be and how hard it really is to see them go. That animal is the one we always come home to anticipating the wild greeting of ridiculous affection, energy, excitement and pure joy for just being There. The one we stare at who seems to know exactly how we are feeling and responds just accordingly. The one little creature who may have gotten us through some of the most important, exciting and saddest times of our lives with just it's pure routine, responsibility and warmth. The animal that has moved with us from apartment to Home.

Today, my friend H had to make that Tough Decision. Well, she made the decision some weeks back, but today was the day she had to say Goodbye to Betty. I actually woke up thinking about this early this morning and got really truly sad. Being a dog fanatic, I can't imagine how hard it was for her and her husband. Betty was about 13 years old and a true companion and soul mate. She was a real sweet + super fantastic friend to H and S and ...Javier.

The dog people stick together and we all often help each other out. H and I swapped dog walking responsibilities when our days ran over or we needed a weekend getaway. I adored Betty. I have a really cute drawing H did of Betty and Javier in a card format pinned to my wall. I think it may just stay there...

Today I bought H + Betty flowers. It made me really sad and I had a hard time not crying the whole subway ride home. The flowers were so pretty, but for not such a pretty occasion. I walked in my door and just let the tears fall and Javier curled up next to me and I told her about Betty. We cuddled for a bit and then I walked to H's home.

Things are different and they are going to be different.

Right now, Javier is laying up behind my neck in her cute Obama shirt, I often wonder how I would be without my sidekick. Or how different the last year of my life would have been without this companionship. She may be annoying sometimes or constant work, but she is my annoying constant sweetest work I have ever had to adjust to in my life. I look forward to her curling into the curve of my stomach every single night. And some nights, she lays on the other pillow next to my head with her little white + black body underneath the covers...

Her house may be quieter now without the nail tapping and it will take much time + adjustment during this grieving process, but I know my friends will find much peace + comfort in their cutest most adorable little gal baby, Ella Jo.

We will miss you, Betty. That I know, for sure.

xoxo,
kat. + javier

lost my words but still have my yoga!

home, completely at peace until I turned my phone on...

maybe tomorrow I will share some of my wonders + lessons...like seeing A shooting star and crawling way down into that above rock formation so I could place myself in front of that 30 foot spray in the displayed video... fear + fantasy.

xo,
kat.